Industry information that you can actually use
April 2005
RIAA & LABELS ADMIT LIES ABOUT LOST REVENUE DUE TO FILE SHARING.
Grokster victory now in the bag
April 1st Hollywood
At this year's Digital Hollywood Conference in Santa Monica CA , several representatives of the RIAA and the four major record distributors announced that they had, in fact, been in cahoots with each other to falsely report lower sales over the past three years.
Journalists in the crowd scrambled to get details afterward. (Jimmy) Glik Mi, VP of Sony-Japan's division of distribution, stated that it was all a ploy to get the courts to pay more attention to the record industry's needs. "File sharing really had nothing to do with a drop in sales, in fact, sales have not been down at all, if you include the boom of downloads on legitimate services like Napster."
Ivana Rhim, Senior VP of Media Relations, for the RIAA was looking a bit glum when she spoke to reporters for the LA Times, stating, "It seems silly to keep lying about it now that we suckered the Supreme Court into hearing our case against Grokster and it backfired because the Judges actually took time to review the issues."
Yes! It seems that the High Court is far more prepared than anyone expected and now that that the RIAA's case is going south, the special interest group (that represents the four major record distributors) is spilling their guts, according to one reporter for High Times. He claims to have received an exclusive "interview" with RIAA counsel Dom Dileio, while sharing a joint with him after the panel. "Dileio stated in no uncertain terms to me that The RIAA lawsuits against students was, 'just posturing to give our legal department something to do.'" Dileio claimed, "why would we really care about file sharing, our labels give away tens of thousands of records each year anyway. Labels make their real money by licensing catalog."
GROKOLA
Meanwhile in Washington CD (I mean, DC) it seems the RIAA is now facing the fact that making sound legal arguments is not what they do best. So they have fallen back on a more tried-and-true method of persuasion-- bribes. One witness over-heard a conversation between lawyers for the RIAA and Supreme Court judges Rehnquist and Scalia waiting on line at courthouse rest-rooms. The witness swore to WPIX reporters that label lawyers were "offering free concert tickets to Paul McCartney in exchange for a favorable ruling, and I heard Scalia say 'only if you throw in back-stage passes for my kids.'"
All parties later denied that this was a "serious conversation," but inside sources say that as of yesterday three people with the last name "Scalia" have been added to the after-party guest list for Metallica's New York venue.
GET YOUR JOB BACK
In light of the exposing of the "lost sales ruse"John Esposito, President and CEO, WEA, announced in a press statement given at his family picnic, that "every executive and secretary we've fired in the past year now has amnesty--come get your job back." He then added that it would only be at half pay.
At the Los Angles Country unemployment office, where a special sign reads: "Line forms here if you worked for WEA, DreamWorks, Arista, Elektra, UNI or MCA," I caught up with Ron Shapiro, former president of Atlantic. He laughed at the offer, "Esposito is out of his mind if he thinks I'm going to crawl back to him for only $350,000 a year." I tried to ask him some more questions, but his number was up to receive his check for $374.62.
Other former WEA execs on line grumbled similar sentiments but afterward several were seen car-pooling their way over to Burbank, where Warner offices are located.
All-in-all this day has been a huge confession for the music industry. Esposito, turned to CNN news cameras, while stuffing his face with a double Brie-burger and said, "I was only kidding about the half-salary. I don't want any of them back at all. April Fools!"
Happy April Fools Day from The Moses Avalon Company.
DISCLAIMER: In case you haven't figure it out, the above story is fake. The RIAA's case going as well as Grokster's. Any similarity to person or entities living, dead, or unemployed is purely coincidental. No actual record executives were hurt or injured during the writing of this spoof.
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